Knowing The Helpful (And Hurtful) Things To Say When Someone Has Lost A Baby

A grieving parent can receive many things from people after the death of their child.  They may receive cards, casseroles, texts, gift cards, and flowers.  They may receive visitors at their door or phone calls from loved ones far away.  

I was the recipient of all these things when my own daughter died, but what resonated with me most were the words I was receiving.

Once the shock of what happened began to wear away, I really started to listen to what people were saying to us.  I started to take inventory of words that were soothing, words that were empowering, and words that made me want to scream and throw things.  I relished the soothing, I welcomed the empowerment, but I rarely screamed (well, not that anyone else could hear) and I seldom threw things.

Why?

I began to realize, those people didn’t know what to say.  

They were uncertain of how to comfort me, how to make me better.  In their effort to speak up and say something, they were saying just about anything–and it wasn’t always helpful.

Supporting someone through pregnancy and infant loss is about trying to find the words that are helpful rather than hurtful. So, let me be of assistance.

Helpful Words–

You will notice that the most comforting words are about the person who is grieving.  It is about letting them know that they are loved and thought of.  The following words have given me some form of comfort along the way, but I must say this: Don’t just say these things once and be done.  A person in grief is most in need of those who will circle back around.  

  • I’m sorry for what you’re going through.
  • I love you.
  • I’m thinking of you.
  • I’m here when you’re ready.
  • What do you need today?
  • How are you doing today? (Please only ask this if you are prepared for a genuine answer.  If you’re looking for the person to say that they are okay, then you are not ready to ask this question.)
  • Would you tell me about your child? (In my experience, it felt so good to hear Dorothy’s name.)

Hurtful Words–

WARNING: This is where things are going to get a little snarky on my part.  This is not meant to offend, but it is meant to give some perspective.  Having been the recipient of all of these messages at least once, I think I deserve the right to be a little snarky.

  • You can always have another.  (True, but if my child had been five years old when they died would you use these same words to comfort me?  I didn’t think so.)
  • My grandpa died, so I know what you’re going through. (All losses are significant, but they are not identical.  Please don’t compare losses.)
  • Could they have done anything to save the baby?
  • At least you can get pregnant.  (Yes, I am lucky that I am fertile.  However, my fertility has resulted in three losses.  At this point in my life, pregnancy equals loss.  Not exactly reassuring.)
  • Did she look like a baby?  (Ummm…yes.)
  • Things will get back to normal soon!  (Sorry, this might be uncomfortable for you, but this is my new normal.  There’s no going back from loss.)
  • Time heals all.
  • Are you going to have more children?  (This is a question we need to stop asking in general, but that’s another entry for another day.)
  • It wasn’t meant to be.  Everything happens for a reason.  (THIS. IS. THE. WORST.  Please, please enlighten me as to the REASON why my child is no longer here.)

When someone you love is hurting, it can be hard to know what words to share. Before you speak up, ask yourself if your words are helpful. If what you’re about to say could possibly be hurtful, then it’s not worth saying. While it’s important to say something–it’s also important not to say just anything.

4 thoughts on “Knowing The Helpful (And Hurtful) Things To Say When Someone Has Lost A Baby

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