I’ve been wanting to write for a while now. I have all of these essays and entries swimming around in my head that are looking for a way out. I have thoughts I want to share, experiences I want to celebrate, and misgivings that I want to express. I want to commit these notions to text, but I can’t right now. I’m just too exhausted.
I’m exhausted every time I go up the stairs.
I’m exhausted from bending over to tie the shoes of my Kindergarten students. Ditto for tucking snowpants into boots.
I’m exhausted from wondering if Frances is okay. Are those hiccups normal? Is she moving less today?
I’m exhausted from driving to the hospital once a week.
I’m exhausted from making sure that I am present for my students because when we’re at school they deserve the most of me that I can give.
I’m exhausted from not sleeping through the night because my darling daughter has appropriated my bladder for a pillow.
I’m exhausted of people telling me to get used to not sleeping because those days are over. I know it’s some sort of rite of passage for new parents, but it is exhausting to hear.
I’m exhausted from anticipating Frances’ arrival and all the decisions that accompany it.
I’m exhausted from spending hours a week in a place where my heart races in the elevator or my hands get clammy before I pump the soap that just smells like hospital.
I’m exhausted from wondering every time I enter the hospital if I will get to go home and sleep in my own bed.
I’m exhausted of not answering people truthfully when they ask how I’m doing because I know all they want is to be happy for me and I don’t want to bring them down.
I’m exhausted of staring at a house full of baby “stuff” and wondering if there will ever be a baby in it.
I’m exhausted from attempting to get in and out of the car gracefully.
I’m exhausted from watching the days get closer to February 22.
I’m exhausted from being excited about Frances because it is always accompanied by the deepest ache for Dorothy.
I’m exhausted at the idea of how much I owe the people in my life, even though I know they expect nothing in return for their love and support.
I’m exhausted from never really knowing where I fit in as a mom.
I’m exhausted from wondering what I’ve done to deserve a partner who has never left my side even though I know he is exhausted too.
I’m exhausted of missing my daughter and wishing I could hold her one last time.
I’m exhausted from pretending not to be exhausted.
So today, I decided to say it.