Hey there baby girl. October’s almost over and it’s just starting to feel like autumn is here. The seasons have been slow to change over this year. Summer and autumn seem like they’re trying to live together, but eventually summer will retreat into memory and autumn will be allowed to shine. This changing of the seasons makes me think of you and your sister. I want you two here together, but just like summer you are destined to reside in my loving memory.
I’ve been talking about you a lot lately. Did you know that? Has my love felt stronger lately? I hope so because I’ve really been missing you. I like to imagine that all of my pain gets turned into love that gets sent directly to you. It makes the pain a little more bearable.
Your sister is seven months old today. You would be so amazed at how much she’s changing everyday. Every morning I find myself just staring at her; taking in all the beautiful, subtle changes that she’s gone through overnight. It makes me wonder how different you would look if you were still here. How much your own beauty would have blossomed.
Frances is so eager to move. Your Daddy jokes that she’s going to skip over walking and just go straight to running. She is always reaching and stretching to explore her surroundings. I love to watch her learn about the world. I wish you could be here to help us teach her. I wonder what you would show her.
I tell Frances all about you. At night, when we’re sitting in the rocker, I say your name and whisper my memories of you. I tell her stories about you, her warm weight against my chest as my heart beats for the both of you. I want her to know you. I want her to love you like your Daddy and I love you. I wonder what it will be like to one day hear her say your name.
It’s been a devastatingly beautiful experience to parent you and your sister these past seven months. I find so much joy in watching your sister grow and I feel so much heartbreak knowing that you will never grow in the same way. I wonder if it will always be this way; the joy and the heartbreak together. I imagine it will, but I also imagine that neither of those feelings will be static. A life of grief and love ebbs and flows. It’s a gradual shift over time and then it shifts back again; just like the changing of the seasons.
You will always be my summer.
I love you forever.