Another month begins. While everyone around you breathes a sigh of relief, you draw in a deep breath. Others relish in the idea of a blank slate while you dread the uncertainty of what this month may hold.
Everyone else sees the 1st as the start of just another month, but for you–it’s the start of another month without your child.
These months after loss hold so much meaning. Inside of these days are so many should-haves, wonder-whats, and remember-whens. When you glance at the calendar, you don’t see numbers, you see reminders. Birthdays that your baby will never celebrate, holidays they will never know about, and milestones that will never be met.
Even when a month seems to hold no significance it’s not always easier. Those are the months where you struggle to justify your grief to others as they wonder–what are you sad about this month? It’s not always understood that you don’t need a special occasion to miss your baby. Your grief is an every day occurrence.
It can be hard to watch the casual way that others can flip their calendar to a new month.
The feigned surprise in their voice as they say “I can’t believe it’s already…” This new month has not snuck up on you. You have been waiting; counting down those days that hold so much. You know how heavy that page really is.
It’s hard to explain why those of us who have lost our children put so much of our hearts in those tiny, numbered boxes.
Those dates are proof that our children existed. Every anniversary is a way to extend their memory. Every new month is a way for us to mark the days we have lived without them. Those pages are the notation of all the days we have loved them and a reminder for all the days that lay ahead. These are the days that we will fill up with our love for our children.
What months hold significance for you? Which months are harder to face? How do the days move after your loss?