Losing a child has made me good at many things. I’m good at crying in the grocery store and also at hiding my tears. I’m good at saying what’s on my heart and I’ve become good at helping others find their voice. I’ve even become good at forgiving others when their words and actions leave me hurting. So, why am I so bad at forgetting?
I can forgive those who have told me to move on, but I can’t forget how much their words caused me to stumble. My heart has found forgiveness for those who went away, but I still remember the sound of the silence. Please know that I have forgiven the intentions of those who offered their congratulations when my second daughter was born, but I will never forget the confusion of being called a first-time mother. I have managed to forgive some people’s honesty, but I will never forget how the words “I’m sorry, but to me, she just isn’t real.” felt in my ears. I have spent a lot of time offering up forgiveness, so I need others to forgive the fact some things can’t be forgotten.
I’m bad at forgetting because there are some words that just can’t be unheard. They rattle around in the hollow parts of my heart, echoing louder than was ever intended. No matter how many loving words try to fill in the spaces, these words that hurt take up more room than they should. Despite my best efforts, my heart will not be rid of them.
And for that, I’m still searching for forgiveness.