The Grief Of Your Baby’s Death Gets Easier To Carry–And It Never Stops Being Hard

Losing a baby gets easier--and it never stops being hard.

The experience of having your baby die–it is hard stuff.

Those first minutes and days and weeks feel impossible.  You find yourself living minute to minute.  You are just trying to get one moment further in this new life you didn’t ask for.  The most basic tasks of living feel arduous.  Breathing, eating, bathing, sitting up–it’s all too much.  It’s all too hard.

It does get easier to carry the burden.

The breaths will come easier and sitting up won’t make your head spin.  A day will even come when you are able to shower without crying.  You will feed yourself because you are truly hungry and not just because you have to.

But, losing a baby never stops being hard.

Even when you’ve figured out how to survive, you then have to figure out how to live.  You slowly remember that life isn’t simply about waking up and showers and eating.  It’s waking up to go to work.  It’s showering so you can brave the grocery store.  It’s going out to lunch with a friend and trying to remember what you talked about before your baby died.

It does get easier to carry the burden.

You will start living again and you will figure out how to do it among others.

You will settle back into your routines at work.  The grocery store won’t always make your palms sweat.  You will become better at managing small talk and remembering to ask others how they are doing.  It will seem as if you have figured out a way to slip back into the ease of your life before loss.

But, losing a baby never stops being hard.

Because even though work is easier, you still have to figure out how to avoid the baby shower for your pregnant co-worker.  The grocery store will feel more manageable until you find yourself in line behind a baby that is the same age as the one you’re missing.  You will end up canceling lunch plans because today is one of those days you just can’t.

But, carrying the grief gets easier.

All of these triggers and setbacks–you figure out how to live around them.  You learn that they can’t be erased, but that some can be avoided.

You figure out how to live in a world that is designed for the living and holds very little space for those who have left it.

And, it’s still hard.

That’s because grieving your baby is a spectrum.  It’s never about being one way or another way.  It’s about where you end up in any given moment.

Some moments will feel like a lot of hard and sometimes those moments will feel easier than they had before.  It will shift and slide based on a million variables you can’t control.

So, lean in. Lean into the hard AND the easy.

Life after your loss will always have both.  It will always be hard and there will be moments that feel easier.

And when it feels easier, it’s not because you miss your baby any less.  You’re just stronger and better at carrying the hard stuff.

Photo by Mitchell Orr on Unsplash

5 thoughts on “The Grief Of Your Baby’s Death Gets Easier To Carry–And It Never Stops Being Hard

  1. I came across your blog today and I just wanted to say that it is a blessing. I recently lost my daughter in September. She was 15 months old and passed away from complications from a rare genetic disease called Sandhoff disease. She is our only child, and we struggled with infertility for three years before conceiving her.
    I feel like some days I can’t function at all the pain hurts so bad, and others I get through just fine. Your writing describes it perfectly.
    I’ve always been a devout Christian and will continue to grow in my faith. I know I’ll see my daughter again soon, and that’s what keeps me going.
    I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Tears ran down my face as I read your story. But I’m also so grateful that you received such amazing and loving care from your nurses. I am a registered nurse myself, and hearing these stories are reassurance that I am still in the right field of work.
    Thank you for sharing your story. It makes a difference. God bless you and your family.

  2. Thank you for these words. My precious grandson was stillborn earlier this month. It has been so difficult watching my daughter and her husband journey through this loss. Your words have reminded me of the Hope we all have moving forward.

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