When your baby dies, you seek validation of their existence. Your heart scrambles for someone else to acknowledge their realness. A panicky feeling thuds within as you are left wondering if something can be real when you are the only one who knows it existed. The validation you are looking for will come and it will come from your own body.
Your body, so committed to the life that grew inside of you, does not readily accept the harsh reality of death.
It seems cruel doesn’t it? That your maternal instincts can be so strong to validate the life that grew inside of you and so blind that they can’t sense when that life has ceased to be.
After the death of your baby, you become so incredibly aware of the body that could not sustain another life. Instead of reveling in its splendor, you become resentful.
How can a body that once served such incredible purpose become essentially useless?
Your breasts are still swollen with no baby to feed. Your stomach is still squishy and soft, but there is no newborn to sink into its warmth. The cramps echoing painfully in your uterus that lies hollow and empty. Every fold of your skin holding the shame and exhaustion of your loss. It feels like too much for one body to bear.
How are you expected to love your post-baby body when there is no baby?
The truth is–you’re not expected to immediately love your body again. It makes sense that you will look in the mirror and be disappointed, even repulsed, by what you see. You knew your body would change after having a baby, but you weren’t prepared for how it would look with arms empty and heart broken.
I hope that one day you will look in the mirror and you will welcome what you see. I hope you will appreciate that your body is a testament to the life you once carried. Maybe you will admire the place where your baby knew love and comfort.
Your body–the place where their life mingled with yours and you became inseparable.
One day, you may forgive your body for all that it did not deliver.
And then, you will begin to love your body for all that it has clung to. Because, even when your baby dies, your body will forever validate their existence.
Photo by Alexa Mazzarello on Unsplash
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