To the parent who has lost a child,
Do you have a person in your life who never mentions your child? Do you know someone who changes the subject when you mention the piece of your heart that is missing? Do you know what it’s like to be pulled aside and told that it’s time to move on from all of “this”–as if the child you lost is a figment of your imagination?
I do.
It hurts, doesn’t it? Even when you square your shoulders and declare that you are done caring what they think–it hurts. It doesn’t matter how many times you approach them wishing that this time they will just understand–it hurts. I wish I could tell you the secret to handling that hurt.
I can’t.
Because when it comes to losing a baby–others will never really understand.
Sure, there are things that you can do and say to ease your hurting heart. But, there are no magic words or deeds that will make the world understand your heartbreak. There are just some people who will always hurt your heart, even when they think they’re helping it heal. Just because you are faced with a problem that can’t really be fixed, that doesn’t mean you’re broken.
You’re grieving.
You will always be grieving because your child died and you miss them. You love them, always.
No matter how many people refuse to say their name. No matter how many times they change the subject. No matter how many times they tell you to move on before they hurry away.
You are grieving and you will not be stopped.
So, don’t stop.
Don’t stop expecting others to remember anniversaries and birthdays. Don’t stop wanting to hear your child’s name. Don’t stop asking for what you need and telling your truth.
Keep going. I know you will and not because you have a point to prove. You will continue on, but not because you expect everyone to say I’m sorry and change their mind.
Keep going because you have a baby to love.
You have a child who means more to you than anything. You would do anything for them and you do. Every day you are left living in a world that is eager to forget.
You will never forget. I know there are some who want you to, but they don’t understand. They may never understand.
Just like we’ll never understand–Why was it was okay to love our babies before we met them, but we’re not supposed to miss them when they’re gone?
So, keep going. Keep grieving. Keep living and loving. Because as long as your heart beats, there will be someone to remember your baby.
Love,
Another parent who refuses to forget
Photo by Aditya Romansa on Unsplash
It’s weird for those that weren’t there in the hospital when I delivered my almost 9lb baby girl. They remember, but most everyone else was disturbed by pictures or didn’t recognize it as a birth. The worst was explaining it over and over again to people at work asking how my baby was. Death is hard and unless it’s personal, it becomes morbid to others. I talked to her all the time and sang horribly to her all the time. I had 9 months to think about what life would be like with a daughter. I felt her move, I saw her and I held her.
No one asks about my angelbabies. I think of them daily. I have distanced myself from other people and them from me. I’m ok with that. It is what it is.