Through Loss, Grief, And Trying Again–He Was There

He was there the day that we saw that first positive test. When we danced around the kitchen, calling our families to share our exciting news, he was there. And, two days later, when the cramping began and I watched my dreams bleed out, he was there. He was there when we dared to hope…

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We’re Done Having Children And My Family Is Incomplete

As a mom who has experienced loss, I have always dreaded the question, “How many children do you have?” For so long, I struggled with finding an answer that was simple and truthful. Now, after over two years of fumbling my words, I feel somewhat okay with sharing that I have two daughters knowing that…

To My Stillborn Baby, I Still Carry You With Me

They said there was no heartbeat. They said you left. They said you died inside of me. And while that is true, we both know that you never really went anywhere. They told me that you would be born still. They said your eyes would never open, your lungs would never draw breath. They told…

Grief Is Not Just Surviving Those First Minutes, It’s About Living All The Minutes That Come After

I didn't hear the door close, but I felt it. I sat up just enough in my hospital bed so I could look that way. Just visible through the glass was the outline of the nurse's shoulders--hunched and tense as she so carefully carried my daughter out of the room. I quickly looked away. I…

The Should-Be, Could-Be, Would-Bes Of Baby Loss

There's a sense of uncertainty when your baby dies. Whether you've lost them at 5 weeks gestation or 10 months after birth, it can be difficult to figure out how to grieve a life so brief. Grief is so often tied to the memories we have of the deceased. We find comfort in thinking about…

Learning To Love Your Post-Baby Body When There Is No Baby

When your baby dies, you seek validation of their existence. Your heart scrambles for someone else to acknowledge their realness. A panicky feeling thuds within as you are left wondering if something can be real when you are the only one who knows it existed. The validation you are looking for will come and it…

After Losing My Own Baby, I Now Avoid Baby Showers

They're having a baby shower at work and I will not be going. While everyone gathers together in celebration, I will find a place to hide. I will come up with an excuse for the co-worker who passes me in the hall on their way to the baby shower and wonders if I'm coming. I…