My Daughters Have Never Met, But That Doesn’t Mean They Don’t Know Each Other

She found the photo on my nightstand. I flinched when she grabbed it, imagining the inevitable destruction that toddlers leave in their wake. Instead, I found myself surprised at the gentle and knowing way she cradled it in her hands. A very atypical move for our rough-and-tumble girl. "Baby." she stated in her breathy squeal.…

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The Mental Load Of The Grieving Mother

I do not consider myself to be busier than any other mother I know. I'm sure we all have the same sinks piled high with dishes, the same stack of bills, and the same pick-up/drop-off schedules to coordinate. There are the same doctor's appointments to schedule, the same load of laundry that's been washed three…

We’re Done Having Children And My Family Is Incomplete

As a mom who has experienced loss, I have always dreaded the question, “How many children do you have?” For so long, I struggled with finding an answer that was simple and truthful. Now, after over two years of fumbling my words, I feel somewhat okay with sharing that I have two daughters knowing that…

To My Fellow Loss Mamas–I Love You No Matter What

Dear Courageous Mama, I want you to know that I love you. No matter when or how your baby died, you deserve nothing but love and support. And that, beautiful mama, is what I have for you. I love you in your moments of celebration.  I love you in your moments of grief. I love…

You Can Be Grateful And Still Complain When Parenting After Loss

I distinctly remember those sleepless nights. I’m referring to the ones that came after my daughter, Dorothy, was stillborn. I would toss and turn for hours, my eyes burning from the steady stream of tears that fell. The sleepless nights after losing a baby are brutal. As I lay there I would torment myself by…

We Hang Four Stockings In A House Where Three People Live

Someday, during a future Christmastime, I imagine that my daughter will ask me a question. Her tone will be inquisitive and her eyes curious, but it will not be a question deep with meaning. Instead, her question will be imbued with the simple curiosity of a child who notices when the number of stockings doesn't…

After pregnancy loss you watch as your whens become ifs.

After Miscarriage and Stillbirth The Whens Became Ifs

Losing three babies in two years changed me.  Gone was the woman who spoke in absolutes.  No longer was I the person who punctuated her statements with certainty.  Two miscarriages and a stillbirth changed literally changed the way I spoke. After losing three babies--my whens became ifs. With each loss, I felt less and less…