After pregnancy loss you watch as your whens become ifs.

After Miscarriage and Stillbirth The Whens Became Ifs

Losing three babies in two years changed me.  Gone was the woman who spoke in absolutes.  No longer was I the person who punctuated her statements with certainty.  Two miscarriages and a stillbirth changed literally changed the way I spoke. After losing three babies--my whens became ifs. With each loss, I felt less and less…

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Five things to remember when you are pregnant after a loss.

The 5 Things I Hope You Remember During Your Pregnancy after Loss Journey

The pregnancy after loss journey is…complicated. It is every emotion that you have ever felt and they are all struggling to exist together.  You may feel like you are faced with an ever-growing list of things to do and remember. I know how that feels.  So, when it all feels too daunting and you doubt…

Having a baby after a loss will not fix the pain, but it can still bring you hope.

Why “Rainbow Babies” Are Not A Cure For Grief

When Dorothy died, I plummeted.  I found myself in the lowest place I had ever been to.  It was far below any place I had visited before.  You might know the level I speak of; a low so far down that when you look up, you see black. There is nothing there for you.  And…

In pregnancy after loss, everything's okay until it isn't.

Being Pregnant After Losing A Baby Means Knowing Everything’s Okay Until It Isn’t

The appointment is over and your doctor or midwife has just told you that everything looks great.  Your baby is doing well and everything is okay.  One hand on your bump, you schedule your next appointment with a sense of relief that feels dangerously close to bliss.  You turn to leave and you are barely…

The Language of PAIL (Pregnancy And Infant Loss)

I have always wanted to be bilingual.  In high school, I studied French and while my grades were excellent, my teenage ambition did not extend beyond my workbook pages.  C'est la vie. Now, almost three years after my first miscarriage, I find myself fluent in a language that does not easily translate.  It is not…

I’m Exhausted

I've been wanting to write for a while now.  I have all of these essays and entries swimming around in my head that are looking for a way out.  I have thoughts I want to share, experiences I want to celebrate, and misgivings that I want to express.  I want to commit these notions to…

Mementos

We've made it to 30 weeks.  I go back and forth between wanting to celebrate and wanting to curl up and hide.  I want to embrace every moment of this wonderfully, healthy pregnancy with unblinking eyes and I also want to just close my eyes and open them up when they put my baby in…