I’m Sorry, There Is No Heartbeat

On February 22, 2016 our daughter, Dorothy Grace Helena Whalen was stillborn.  This is her story. They were ready to send me home.  So, they were going to send me home and have me visit the hospital daily for monitoring.  I was on board.  I felt fine. Dorothy was doing well, and I imagined it would be best…

What I Would Do If I Had One More Minute With My Baby Who Died

Minutes.  Everything I remember about the day that Dorothy died can be measured in minutes.  There were the minutes spent searching for a heartbeat that wasn't there.  The minutes spent delivering a baby that came so silently.  The minutes we were together as a family of three.   And when it was all over, there was…

The Choices We Must Make When Our Baby Dies

There is a popular philosophy that our happiness in life comes down to the choices we make.  According to this philosophy, your mood and your circumstances are a reflection of the choices you have made.  It suggests that if you are unhappy with your life, all you need to do is make a different choice.…

Happy Birthday Dorothy

Dear Dorothy, Happy birthday to you.  How incredible that it has been a year since you entered our world and how incredibly heartbreaking that it has been a year since we said good-bye.  It has been the most heartbreaking blessing to have spent this last year as your parents, your advocates, and your memory keepers.…

Mementos

We've made it to 30 weeks.  I go back and forth between wanting to celebrate and wanting to curl up and hide.  I want to embrace every moment of this wonderfully, healthy pregnancy with unblinking eyes and I also want to just close my eyes and open them up when they put my baby in…

Today, I Chose Wonder

It's cold out.  It's really cold out.  Like, snuggled-under-a-blanket-with-Project-Runway-reruns-cold-out.  Today is the kind of day where you can get a lot of thinking done.  Sometimes that can be a dangerous thing for me.  Lately, my mind has a tendency to find itself forging a path through anxiety and stress.  But not today.  Today, I chose…